May 13, 2008

Starting to Get Answers

Again, I find myself apologizing to the Tungsten Fluff fan base for the lack of postings lately.  It’s not that nothing has been going on or that I’m not thinking about anything – quite the opposite, in fact.  However, I haven’t had this much to process in a long time and it’s a bit overwhelming.  My wife has a couple of posts that detail a bit more of what we are going through, her in particular…here’s the link.  I’ll wait here until you come back…

OK.  So like I said, a lot to think about.  The diagnoses make a lot of sense to her and me.  The good things about this are that 1) she got in with one of the best docs in the panhandle and 2) this burden – for lack of a better word – finally has a name that she/we can fight.

I’m an engineer and engineers fix things (among other stuff but stick with me) by doing A, B and C steps in a certain order.  When I think I’ve done A, B, C and D - ad infinitum - and the result isn’t what I think it should be I get frustrated.  The fact that it has to do with Julie, my other half, has made finding a solution even more urgent.  This is going to sound bizarre but I’m asking God how exactly He fits into this right now.  Where He fits in the spectrum of suffering has always been debated and I've got two or three post ideas on suffering and personal responsibility and grace...quite a mix, I know.

So I was reminded on Sunday that, “when I’ve done all I know to do, stand.” (Ephesians 6 paraphrase)  Apologies to all the teachers who have taught the “Armor of God” lesson in the last 17 years but for some reason it stuck that time.

Maybe that’s what I need to learn in this is really trust God to help Julie, and us by extension, instead of just giving him lip service and trying to do it myself.

April 23, 2008

New Category: Life

I had to come up with a new category for my brain dumps.  Current Events just wasn't cutting it.

The last couple of days, I’ve had my head down at my desk buried in paperwork.  I haven’t had to speak to anyone – which has been good.  After a few sentences, I break into an uncontrollable cough.  No congestion or other symptoms; just a hacking that makes communicating very difficult.

No, it didn’t take two months to read unChristian – just that long to review it.  What an excellent read.  I’ve had a pretty involved email conversation about the book’s ideas with a long-time friend in Texas.  Maybe I’ll snip it down and post some of it.

Sleep Update:  After a week of increasing exhaustion using “regular unleaded” Ambien, I finally got the insurance approval for an AmbienCR script.  I don’t have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep all night (indications for Ambien).  The CR seemed to help my brain stay in deep sleep without interruption and I feel rested as a result.  Brain chemistry is definitely interesting.  …Probably the only organ in the human body for which medication can have serious ethical and spiritual implications.  During the Marion Jones dust-up, Radley Balko asked this question: if researchers, students and other intellectual-types used sleep aids or other drugs to help them concentrate and/or do more work, would they be penalized for the performance-enhancing qualities – like in consideration for a grant or Nobel Prize or degree? (my paraphrase, I can’t find the link)  Check out Brant’s story too, along with the comment thread.  It’s really insightful.

Along similar lines, does anyone know how a one-time blood draw can be realistically used to diagnose a potential problem with a dynamic body system?  If it’s a known fact that a particular chemical in your body fluctuates over the course of the day, then how does a snapshot from one time of day indicate the presence, or absence, of a problem?  For example, melatonin levels are a function of ambient light-levels, cortisol (a stress hormone) levels increase at during sleep and are depleted while awake.  This is true for a number of chemicals, amino acids and proteins in the body.  If I took a snapshot of shared memory in the simulator and presented it as final word that “nothing is wrong” I’d get laughed out of engineering.  It’s like concepts of stimulus/response and change over time are not even considered.  OK…vent complete.

Watched Hell’s Kitchen last night because nothing else was on.  That’s a sad hour of my life I’m never getting back.  I thought the excerpts shown on The Soup were atypical.  I was wrong.  There were more bleeps in that one episode than a Dog the Bounty Hunter weekend marathon.

Aside: Robert, I'm still trying to distill down one take-away point from unChristian.  One of the adjectives in my tagline is wordy.

April 22, 2008

unChristian: Judgmental

I think the Judgmental chapter moved me to self-examination more than any other in the book.  To summarize: unChristian is an analysis of polling data from the 16-to-41-year-old age groups regarding their views of Christians and the church.  Six “impressions” stood out from the noise: hypocritical, anti-homosexual, sheltered, too political, overly focused on conversion and judgmental.

A definition, “To be judgmental is to point out something that is wrong in someone else’s life, making the person feel put down, excluded, and marginalized.  [It] is fueled by self-righteousness, the misguided inner motivation to make our own life look better by comparing it to the lives of others.” (p182)  If this definition knocks us off-guard, the authors immediately follow-up with the statistic that 87% of non-Christian young people polled used the term judgmental to describe Christians.  This becomes a prejudice and a challenge we face when introducing ourselves as Christ-followers to unchurched people (p183).

While there is a place in our walk for standing up for our beliefs, Kinnaman points out four ways in which we trip ourselves up when doing so: wrong verdict, wrong timing, wrong motivation and playing favorites.  Too often we tend to forget that we are dealing with real people and don’t consider how our absolutist statements or quotations of scripture can come across as arrogant, awkward and self-satisfying.

I won’t go into all four but I was reminded of a situation that exemplifies the “wrong timing” attitude.  Several years ago, a young Christian married couple had their first baby who was born with several medical complications.  Their little son died after about a week in the hospital.  After an obviously difficult couple of months, they packed up and moved to a town in a neighboring state.  A few years later, Julie and I became good friends with someone who was closely acquainted with the couple.  Apparently, several well-meaning Christian friends of theirs mentioned during and after this episode that God wanted to heal their son but they hadn’t a) prayed correctly or b) prayed enough or c) believed or d) something else.  Now, I believe God wants to heal people and demonstrated this in the life of Jesus.  But really.  Was that the right time to do this?  And to a Christian couple?  To what end?

The chapter moves from a discussion of motives to a practical, Bible-based reminder of judgment’s place in our lives: basically it’s God’s job, not ours. Judgment robs us of our ability to genuinely love and interact with others because it subconsciously works to place us on a pedestal above them.  As a result, our attempts a relationship become just that: fabricated attempts instead of the real thing.  The authors point out in several places how the under-29 generation is very savvy to manipulation and disingenuous intentions.  If people can pick up on anything, it’s a superiority complex.  If anyone is justified in a having a superiority complex, it’s God…and yet He chooses not to have one.  The Bible tells us that we should follow His lead.

The chapter closes with a description of respectful access that replaces judgment, including: listen to me, don’t label me, put yourself in my place and, most importantly, be my friend with no other motivations (p194).

As a post-script, Jud Wilhite quotes CS Lewis’ encouragement to give each other the same kind of slack we give ourselves (p198).  Enjoy and think:

"There is someone I love, even though I don’t approve of what he does. There is someone I accept, though some of his thoughts and actions revolt me. There is someone I forgive, though he hurts the people I love the most. That person is me."

April 10, 2008

Yes, Good Night

So I do not have sleep apnea.  The results of my sleep study came back and showed that I’m not waking from snoring, low O2 or body movement – but I am coming out of deep sleep a lot.  According to the charts, I should be spending about 20% of my night in deep, stage 4, slow wave sleep (SWS).

This is the recuperative sleep the body needs to feel restored and refreshed.

The study showed that I only spent 10% of the night in SWS; that’s half of what I should get.  To complicate matters, I had over 70 ‘waking events’ during non-REM sleep which kept me from remaining in SWS for extended periods.  Although I was technically asleep for most of the night, the lack of SWS accounts for the exhausted feeling I have upon waking.

Check out the Wikipedia links - I've learned more about sleep in the last two days that I ever thought I'd need.

So, anyway, my doc gave me some samples of AmbienCR and I can’t believe the difference.  The past two mornings my eyes have snapped open at ~0600 and I’ve been able to get up and go without the usual sluggishness.  The “CR” is for “continuous release” – half the tablet is an immediate dose to help you get to sleep (it’s quite effective) while the other half is buffered to give an additional dose later in the night to help you stay asleep.  Even though I’m recovering from a cold, I’ve been awake and alert all day – most notably in the late afternoon.

Problem solved?  I’ll keep you posted.

April 07, 2008

Miscellaneous

As of Saturday, we are officially those people...you know, the ones who run the sprinklers when it's pouring rain.  Relax, it's on a well.

Interesting and sad.  Anonymous apologies.

Played Warhammer 40K with my neighbor on Saturday.  Maybe I can finally beat him with an army twice his size.

Pet peeve alert: If you're sick, or think you might be sick, or think you might be ready to perhaps be sick in the immediate future, don't come to work.  It'll be there when you get back...we promise.

Yes, it's getting this bad...enjoy.

April 04, 2008

Friday Brain Dump

I finished London: The Novel by Edward Rutherford yesterday.  What a great read.  I picked up one of his other stories, Sarum, at the suggestion of my (now) late Aunt Sara a few years ago.  He picks a city, exhaustively researches it’s history then writes a fictional account of several families over the course of, in London’s case, 2000 years.  Russka is the next on my list.

Watched I Am Legend and The Brave One this week with the neighbors.  I’d highly recommend both.  Will Smith’s post-apocalyptic thriller started to drag on after a bit but I liked seeing New York three years after mankind’s disappearance.  After reading The World Without Us and watching Aftermath: Population Zero on NGC the other week, this rounded out the Armageddon fixation quite well.  Jodi Foster’s movie about vengeance was great – regardless of critical reviews.  As my other neighbor said (spoiler alert), “Everyone that needs to get killed, gets killed and everyone that needs to live, lives.”  Agreed.

One of the better shows on TV ended a 2-season run the other week without much fanfare.  And last night, Julie and I watched the finale of Jericho we had recorded.  What a cool show – lots of well-grounded libertarian content with enough room to examine some of the implications of governance.  Oh, it's borderline post-apocalyptic, too...is this a trend?  Is that disturbing?  Anyway, rumors abound that SciFi channel will pick it up and make more episodes but, if even if they don’t, the series wrapped up really well.

Which brings us to the absolute best show on TV right now (next to Lost and House): Battlestar Galactica starts it’s final season tonight.  At 9:00 the world will grind to a halt and I’ll watch it in real-time, commercials and all.  I haven’t looked forward to a show like this one since the first season of Heroes.

April 02, 2008

unChristian: Too Political

‘Tis the season.

Time to tune in to my daily dose of talk radio (local and national), cruise the blogs, update my favorites list and – as the proud owner of my own corner of the blogosphere – start weighing in with my own political opinions.

Well, it didn’t work out that way.

For some reason, I haven’t been able to get into politics this election cycle.  Since Dr Paul dropped out, I feel like more of an observer than a participant.  And that solely out of morbid curiosity…like watching a car wreck.  But this is supposed to be about the book…

The chapter title reflects Barna’s polling results that a majority of unchurched people view Christians as too political.  I don’t think it’s too difficult to see why.  The rise of the Christian right as a Republican political force over the last 20 has been largely defined by using governmental power to enforce a version of Biblical morality on others.  At least this is the perception.

It’s easy in a politically polarized society, where Democratic voters are “Moonbats” and Republicans are “Re-thugs” to loose sight of the fact that we are putting labels on other humans.  When we read or listen exclusively to one point of view, we oversimplify the complexity of our society when it comes to politics.  For instance, it is easy to look at this map from the 2004 presidential election and claim that the US is a Republican nation and Democrats are a dying minority (map from washingtonpost.com):

Redblue2004_2 

However, if you look at a county-by-county map, shaded for population and party, the polarity and division becomes less obvious (map from Princeton.edu):

Purpleamerica

One of my favorite maps is the red/blue state map, size-distorted for population (several other cool maps like this here):

Population_distortion

The point in showing these is to raise awareness that one party’s view does not dominate our politics as much as we would like to think.  The survey results in the book show only 9% of the voting population is considered ‘evangelical Christian’ – defined by multiple objective criteria, not self-identified, and 24% are non-Christians with the rest somewhere in between.  Given these numbers, evangelicals should be acutely aware that mixing faith and political attitudes in a negative, polarizing way can further alienate people who need God in their life.

Other survey results show younger people are less likely to support a Biblical view of governance; teaching creationism or holding sectarian prayer in public schools, anti-abortion, anti-homosexual, anti-euthanasia, pro drug war, pro incarceration, etc.  We need to be careful that we respond to discussions of these topics with tact and grace; leaving people thinking something like, “Hmmmm.  I never thought of that,” instead of, “What a narrow-minded idiot.”  When Jesus spoke, critics were silenced and neutral observers were amazed.  We have to remember, as Kinnaman points out, that when we speak, we are doing so to multiple audiences at once and we must consider our listeners (p160).

He drives the point home here:

In an era of mass media, blogs, and viral videos, it is important to remember that your words and actions may endure in the blogosphere, on YouTube, or on some other digital destination.  This is particularly important for those Christians who appear in media, because the stakes are high.  What you say and how you say it are important issues of stewardship…we cannot ignore the listeners who may be making spiritual conclusions about whether Christianity rings true or not. (p162)

Consider the recent flap over Senator Barak Obama’s pastor Reverend Jeremiah Wright...or John Hagee's comments regarding Hurricane Katrina.  Whether or not I agree with these men is not important.  The point is, when their statements are broadcast, unchurched people form opinions about Christians - you and me.  Please..consider the audience when talking politics.

We, as Christians, have an interest and a right to have our voices heard in our elected government and even serve there.  However, we should be careful who we ally with and who we give ear to.  Divisive, pigeon-holing radio, TV and internet opinions are entertaining and should be heard in that light.  Let’s not substitute prayer for our elected leaders with ridicule and criticism.  In the political arena, we should be known for what we are (com)passionately for, not what we are virally against.  Brian McLaren sums things up, reminding us that people are ultimately our concern, not the issues of the day:

Some of us believe that leaders in the Religious Right have, in a classic case of gaining the world and losing the soul, successfully gained political clout but lose our next generation (p172).

March 27, 2008

Hillary in Tuzla

I couldn't resist...

March 26, 2008

unChristian: Sheltered

An alternative title to this chapter would be anathema to most modern churches: Irrelevant.  For some reason, the phrase become/remain relevant when applied to church has started to grate against me.  Probably because it smacks of insincerity and shallowness; trying to be relevant means drawing people through doing rather than drawing people through being.  Remember, the fundamental polling data for the book shows that a large number of currently unchurched Americans have attended church in the past, sometimes for months, and many of those have had conversion experiences.  For some reason, many of those people now view the church as antiquated, dull, flat, lifeless, unthinking, aloof and insulated (p122-124).

In an effort to provide some perspective, the authors detail several cultural statistics on crime, family structure, drug use, views on sex, TV, movies and technology to show that, “the activities that were on the fringe for Boomers now define the lifestyles of Busters”  (p125).  This is not entirely a good thing.  In the face of all that the world can throw at my generation (Busters), we are asking for help.  The church, which holds a divine charter to manifest the wisdom of God in the earth (Eph 3:10), ironically is increasingly seen as incapable of providing a solution.

According to Kinnaman, Christians’ unwillingness to engage people on a personal level outside of church activities contributes greatly to this sheltered impression.  One quote from a 28-year-old survey lists the church activities she is involved with then concludes, “even if we wanted to reach out to non-Christians, we don’t have the time and we don’t know how.  The only way we know how to reach out is to invite people to join our Christian social circle.”  Why the isolation?

The authors offer a few reasons we invoke including fear, offense, lack of balance and preparation (p131-132).  The responses to each of these are backed up with scripture and a challenge to come out of our shell and engage people for real.

The chapter wraps up with specific discussions about engaging intellectuals and the outcasts of society.  The former really speaks to me because, being in a technical field, I am surrounded by people who are scientifically and detail oriented.  The authors reference young Christians who “realize that a sheltered faith has left intellectuals and culture shapers with no frame of reference about what a godly, respectful and highly proficient Christian looks like.  [They] want to engage skeptical leaders within the channels of influence.  Like the prophet Daniel, they want to be prepared.” (p136).

I was tripped up about the “effectiveness” of my lifestyle and methods after reading this post over at Kingdom Grace the other week but these few pages helped salve my conscience.  Barna’s surveys found similar views to mine in the Busters they spoke with.  Two bullets and I’m done:

“These young Christian leaders realize that they must display excellence at their craft.  Their credibility as Christians depends on their ability to do a great job.

These young leaders define their faith as their driving passion in life.  And often this means they are confident enough in their faith that they do not have to keep restating this allegiance in robotic clichés” (p136).

The next chaper is appropriately titled Too Political.  I'll try to keep the next post about the book and not current events...but I'm not promising anything.

March 25, 2008

Sleep Study Debrief

In The Phantom Tollbooth, a famished Milo gets served a wondrous dish called subtraction stew.  The tasty treat is one of diminishing returns; the more he eats, the hungrier he gets. (Chinese food anyone?).

I’ve had a similar relationship to sleep that has started coming to a head lately.  At the end of a long day, I get to sleep quickly and crash all night without waking up but come morning, I’m just as tired as I was when I went to sleep.  So after talking to my doc about it, I had an appointment at a sleep clinic this past weekend to get analyzed.   Soon I’ll have some hard numbers on just how well, or how poorly, I’m sleeping at night.

Interesting experience indeed.  18-20 data points from me went into a computer to be poured over in 30-second increments by a specialist. That analysis then goes to my doc for review with me.  I was disappointed that they only needed 6.5 hours of data.  The technician's comment was, "I'll let you sleep a bit longer if you're dreaming."  Like he could see inside my head...which he could.

I was actually hoping to get to sleep in on a Saturday without interruption from the kids.

“What’s for breakfast???

“The same thing that’s always for breakfast.”

“What is it?  I forgot…”

Instead, I was awakened at 0530.  I was back in my own bed by 0550 and slept restlessly until 0900.

Honestly, despite my current fatigue, I’m still able to do quite a bit.  It will be interesting to find out what I’m capable of mentally and physically if and when I start getting real sleep.